T I N G E N W

Hey guys. I totally stopped using this space NOT because I got lazy, but it's because I don't want a certain person to know about my life. The thing is I don't even think he reads this?

"It is in these moments of tender nostalgia that I know, something inside of me is still broken." 

But I find it so pointless living in constant misery. Sometimes I feel so guilty when I am happy, because I know at night this is going to haunt me and it sort of feels like giving myself false hope that I am happy without him. Even so, misery seems okay, because that person will always be worth it. I feel like all this time, I am doing everything in my life for him. Being happy being better... Trying to get my shit together. Trying to prove something. I stopped doing things for myself.

But I guess he was a bigger motivation than myself hence I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I came so far with one mindset subconsciously, I got to be good for him to see. But I realize, he won't even be there to be proud of me. Today is our supposed anniversary, and it's the first time in 5 years it is without him. I don't know how to feel about this. I guess he knows himself, the kind of conversations he has with other girls, kinda made it clear that nothing matters to him anymore. So it shouldn't bother me too? One thing I don't understand is, we battled so hard for 4 years, why give up on me. Am I really not worthy?

 I just wish you're happy, I have no more words for you. I don't feel like doing this anymore.

and when I'm actually silent about something in my life? that's when we know..

 Back for good, gone for the better.